I hate feeling like a failure.

I like to do things that I am talented at.

Or perhaps I could just type: “I am human” and save the trouble of typing those last two.

My wonderful husband has desired from before our marriage that I not need to work outside the home. 

Since that desire had been accomplished and we had a third baby on the way, I quit working for the church office.  It was a hard decision.  I wanted to be there.  I was, if not talented at it, than at least an acceptable level of talent for it.

I have exceeding patience with strangers and church people.  Apparently the flip side of that is my lack of patience for those with whom I spend the greatest quantity of time.

I can keep a very tidy desk, drawers and filing system in an office.  Apparently the flip side of that is my lack of ability to do routine pick up maintenance in my home. 

I can have a vast amount of knowledge in my head whilst enthroned on an office chair.  Apparently the flip side of that is the leaky sieve of a brain I have in my own home when my husband asks where his clean socks are.

I can anticipate and meet the needs of employers and earn gold stars and certificates of appreciation (okay, those weren’t given out at the church office, but metaphorically speaking).  Apparently the flip side of that is being completely unable to anticipate the needs of my children or husband and not improving in my housekeeping, meal-making, or any other domestic attempts a single iota in the time I have not been working.  They still take me the same massive amounts of time for minimum amounts of tangible yield.

I am good in an office.  I do not do so well at home.

So, here I am happily embarking upon ‘operation takeback’ in which I fight to regain the ground lost to clutter, disorganization and mashed banana over that holidays and beyond, enlisting the help of my children and trying to remember to LOWER my voice when frustrated and SMILE at the opportunity to be patient rather than pout and sulk (key word: TRYING).  We have a great morning.  BAM.

I’m blindsided by an email from the church office.  It’s not to me personally, but it might as well have been for the impact it had: “Help wanted.  Administrative Assistant”.  And goes on to list all those things that I can far more EASILY succeed at. 

I am not content to live the rest of my life feeling like a failure, ergo, I am ‘discontent’ at home.

Because it is probably more important that I fail here than succeed elsewhere, I resolve to be content in my discontent.

Perhaps redefining my personal definitions of success and failure might be useful.