My kids’ are still coughing so we are church avoiders once more, I’m exhausted and Cade is no longer in danger.

I AM going to post this whiney blog. Just TRY to stop me!

Momma Duck is coming to our house this Sunday evening. Aunt Joyce is coming at the end of May. Mike, Gina, Bell, Tori, and Catherine are all coming at the beginning of June. These are good things and not just because we don’t get to see these people often enough.

Visitors are great motivators to clean. Because I HATE cleaning, I really appreciate motivation. So I put off all but the necessary cleaning knowing that I’ll need all the will power I can store up. Then I get started. I do really good at cleaning floors and keeping up for about two days. I think… Tomorrow I’ll be able to tackle some of the less common projects… maybe clear off the never used sewing desk that is still holding Christmas wrap??

Then my baby is fussy because he managed to INgest paper that he can’t DIgest.  As if satisfied by this cause/effect he now belines for anything paper within his reach and promptly begins consumption. 

Then my oldest two get strep.

This is diagnosed only after what I perceive as an insult from the attending (This was not our regular physician whom I and everyone else loves… thus his busy appointment schedule which requires us to go elsewhere) who tries to tell me that the bumps I saw growing on his throat last night that she can’t see today must have been…. food? But of course!  After a two hour nap he still had applesauce stuck in his throat? And I’m too dumb to tell the difference? Thanks. And since I medicated the little squirts that morning they didn’t even have the pretend fever that I could only have imagined woke my oldest in the middle of the night AFTER I listened to him groan in his sleep for 1/2 hour wondering if I should wake him to medicate him or wait until he woke on his own.  Our Doctor’s office is terribly efficient because everytime I bring my kids in their symptoms magically disappear.  From now on, I’m leaving the kids at home and bringing videotape shot of them during the crisis. 

She’s right. I’m just another over-protective mom. That’s why even though my kids have been sick off and on (more ‘on’ than ‘off’ if you count common colds… or could that be the allergies she will later diagnose?) for FIVE MONTHS, I’ve only had them to a physician twice.

Fortunately, this is a person which I don’t mind upsetting, so I argue with her diagnosis. She gives me a look that clearly pities my ignorance and is designed to be condescending… but she swabs his throat.

We must keep our paranoid mothers happy, mustn’t we?

What do you know. I’m not neurotic. There really IS something wrong.  She only briefly makes eye contact as she tells me this result, by the way.  I shouldn’t be so hard on her.  Obviously, I hate being wrong too.  Which she was.  Wrong, that is.

Which means antibiotic shot with the tiniest needle in the universe. (they SAY it’s to avoid 10 days of medication, but I think she really just wanted to get even with me for being right.) Which leaves my daughter in a major snit for at least a day afterward {she is the biggest grudge holder in the known universe… unfortunately, after last night, I will have to say that Asa will follow in her footsteps. Man, once my ‘happy-go-lucky’ gets a fire built under him…} Which means oldest son decides he needs extra attention.

Also diagnosed with allergies… okay… like severe enough to need to medicate? (The attending’s lack of trust in my observational abilities is reciprocated tenfold.) Can’t I just keep wiping noses? Whatever. So I now dose them with orange gunk twice a day. Except for Lithany’s eye no longer being pink, which, if it was from an irritation would have been gone the next day ANYHOW…. there is no change in that area of their medical condition to date… a week minus one day later.  To give her the benefit of the doubt, if they caught a cold AND their allergies improved… I wouldn’t have seen a difference.  I really should get off my high horse about her.

Shortly after injection, son comes up with random red spots.. not bumps like bites… just spots… on his face and pinpricks under his eyes and mouth. They don’t hurt. They don’t itch. They just make mom wonder if his capillaries are popping for some weird reason. What in the world! Mom won’t call the doctor only to hear them tell her that she can’t possibly have seen this and waits to see if they get worse, multiply, turn fluorescent green or begin to bother him.

They don’t.

Throat gets better a day later. Coughing begins. Fevers continue to ebb and flow. Son wakes in the middle of the night and stays awake due to cough for an hour and a half. Is this the same junk that hits us EVERY TWO WEEKS in varying degrees of severity? If so, is it related to the alleged allergies or something more sinister. Fevers don’t occur with allergies, do they? (check webmd.com… nope! They don’t!) Could my kids POSSIBLY get that many cold related fevers in five months?

Mom’s alter egos or whatever they are called kick in. One is blasé about it all by day (We’ve only done this a hundred times THIS YEAR and we haven’t died yet.), the other turns into hyper worrier at night (it’s toxic mold, something wrong with their immune system, they have pneumonia, Orion caught something in China and has given it to Lithany – never mind that China is like 2 years previous – or it must be whatever illness was on the last episode of House M.D. If only my physician popped Vicodin, he’d recognize this!!). Between staying up until I fall comatose on the couch, being woken by a coughing child a few times, and getting up to feed Asa at 6ish… I begin dreaming incredibly random dreams and wake up surprised to find that my children haven’t sprouted extra appendages or turned a brilliant shade of purple.  At least these dreams aren’t as frightening as the one I had about a foreign doctor fixing a hole in my infant’s side by attaching an extra leg to it.  Don’t ask.

Daughter continues to wake up with and intermittently present an incredibly hoarse voice… and cough… but since the shot has been graciously forgiven by the reigning royalty, she is cheerful, as she drops bubble wands between the boards on our deck, dumps milk onto the table to splash in or crumbles her bread onto a chair. AUUUGGGHH!

At this point, I’ve decided that waiting for the laundry I’ve stared at for four days to walk itself to the drawers is more expedient than actually trying to get it there. I’m trying to figure out how many meals I can create that are semi-healthy and require no dishes whatsoever. (Yes, even loading our DISHWASHER seems a monumental task right now)  The thrill of success that I enjoyed after those few days of keeping things clean and the ambition I had to pick up the gauntlet against new and previously ignored housewifery foes evaporates as I lose the ground I previously gained… AGAIN.  And we all know how much I LOVE regaining ground.  I wonder if anyone in Texas will buy our house as is?

I FEEL LIKE A RAT ON A WHEEL, AND I HAVE NO SELF-DISCIPLINE TO TAKE OVER AND HELP ME OUT!

Why on earth am I shouting my flaws on a blog?

Because it’s slightly more responsible than curling in a fetal position and screaming, and crying is out because we have enough runny noses already. I think we are solely responsible for the depletion of at least one forest.  And therapists, nannys and maids are all expensive.

Blog whining. The addiction of the new millennium.

There.  Now I feel better.  When I need a new fix, I’ll be back. Until then, I’ll be surfing blogdom to find something that will help restore laughter to my visage. I did find a promising, if slightly blasphemous song:

Jesus bake the veal

I can’t cook no more

I’ve run out of re–ci-pees

Cook me sumthin good

That I have never had before

To go with all my black eyed peas….

Jesus bake the veal….

I bet if I sing that aloud more than twice… with feeling…, I’ll be howling and rolling.  I’ll protect the artist’s name, however.  Then I’ll go dig out my Animaniacs CD and sing it with feeling.  This will be a good day… for deaf people.

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